I don't think I was supposed to live long. For some strange reason, I never truly believed I would. I remember reaching age 30 and thinking, "Wow! I can't believe I made it passed age 16."
Several reasons for my thinking:
1) My father told me about a time when I nearly drown but he or someone (maybe him, not sure) saved me. I don't really remember this incidence at all.
2) I do remember as a child playing at the water's edge with a new found friend. We were jumping over waves, (though, I believe we were at a lake) holding each other's hand. We kept getting a little deeper and a little deeper. I never sensed any danger. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the shoulders of a very tall man--seemed almost overwhelming. (At least at that age he seemed so.) I never saw his face, but he gave me back to my thankful dad.
3) I was walking down the street at age 7-8, I think, when a car suddenly stopped in the middle of the road in front of me. He asked me for directions and I told him best I could. He said he couldn't hear me very well and would I come closer. Now, back then you didn't hear even whispers of child molesters. Though, I'm sure they existed--always have. An inner voice told me to run and believe me, I did! I'll always believe that man meant me harm--no doubt about it!
4) Well, I guess I have to tell you first that growing up I was a major tomboy! So, when I tell you I was on top of the roof of the house next door, you'll believe me. What I was up there doing up on the roof only the Lord knows. I think a storm had knocked over a tree next to our house and so, since it was there, I just hopped up and climbed up onto our neighbor's roof!
I remember losing my footing and falling backward--hitting the ground hard! I lay there for what seemed forever with no breath whatsoever. At first I felt only frantic panic, then peace. I lay there wondering when the angels would come and get me. I think I called out to God since it was useless trying to call out to anyone else. Any bodily movement or function was physically suspended--I was completely paralyized! Miraculously, my breath returned and I was able to run off and play.
5) At age 13, my dad had taken a bunch of us kids to a local swimming pond. One of my friends was a rather large girl. I could swim by this time so I was pretty confident. My friend got into trouble not too far away from me. I reached out to help her and the next thing I know she was on my back pushing me down beneath her. I guess it's true what they say about your life passing before your eyes because that indeed happened to me. Nothing major to speak of, but I did relive the events surrounding President Kennedy's assassination. Then, nothing.
I think I may have started to panic, but then the fear actually left me. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die. I looked up and saw light swirling through the water--almost tunnel-like. I heard a voice speak to me and say, "Go all the way down to the bottom of the hole (I didn't know there was a hole!) and then make a strong push upward." (Looking back this voice somehow calmed me, like "Fear not"!)
I did exactly as the voice told me and in the pushing my friend was physically knocked off my shoulders and back into safer waters. I was able to swim to safety.
I think what stuck me most about this even was that I really didn't have anything to show for my life. That was more upsetting than the potential drowning.
There have been plenty of "near misses" since then. All I can say is that God and His holy angels were and are watching over me. Can't wait until I reach "home" to find out how many times God intervened in my behalf! To Him be the glory forever!
The First Time I Called Out to God
We lived near the ocean dunes as a child. (No, not affluent--just close). Dad used to take us there quite often. Dune buggies had just come on the scene and they were everywhere! It was such fun watching them--until that one day.
Everything was the same, the buggies going up and over the dunes. People watching, laughing--cheering them one (probably making them even more daring). Suddenly, one of the buggies went up in the air and came crashing down with the front of the vehicle hitting nose first into the sand. I saw it as if in slow motion. There was a young man standing on the back and he was holding on to the crossbar as they went headfirst into the sand. Strangely, the driver and passengers were fine, but this young man was thrown and his face and body were completely buried in the sand. People were motionless for a moment. Then, the people moved into action and started digging with all their might.
Oh, the time was passing so quickly, all I remember thinking was this man was going to die. Did he know Jesus? What would his parents have to go through? All strange thoughts for such a young girl. All I could do was to cry out to God to save this young man. God, please don't let him die. Please do something!
When they pulled him out he looked lifeless--no breath. I just kept praying. Don't think I've ever prayed as hard since. Oh, I know others were probably praying, too. But, it felt like just me and God at the time. Even though I was not saved at the time, I believe God honored my intercession. The boy sat up, coughed and began breathing!
Sparks
Boy, this one is hard to write about--because it was freaky--even today. Probably a plausible explanation, but it does make you wonder.
Anyway, when my sister and I were both quite young we were playing in the bedroom we shared. We weren't doing anything particular--don't remember doing anything wicked, but, all of the sudden sparks of fire would come up through the floor. I promise you--we saw the fire and the remaining smoke, even black marks remained on the wooden floor. This happened on at least two or three different occasions.
I had not thought about it for years, but before my sister passed away in 05, she asked me about it. Did it really happened. Yes, she remembered it just as I had.
Anyway, when my sister and I were both quite young we were playing in the bedroom we shared. We weren't doing anything particular--don't remember doing anything wicked, but, all of the sudden sparks of fire would come up through the floor. I promise you--we saw the fire and the remaining smoke, even black marks remained on the wooden floor. This happened on at least two or three different occasions.
I had not thought about it for years, but before my sister passed away in 05, she asked me about it. Did it really happened. Yes, she remembered it just as I had.
Another God's Little Acre
I suppose one of my earliest memories of an awareness of God's presence was as a very small child. A new movie was all the rage--everyone was talking about it. Though, to this day I have no idea what it was truly about. The title was "God's Little Acre". I did look it up on the internet, but all I found was that it was quite controversial for it's day (1958). (Didn't even know there was a book!)
Anyway, as a then (can't believe this) 5 year old, I somehow got it into my head that if it was God's "acre" then naturally that "acre" had to be a cemetary. I knew we couldn't "see" God here, so somehow I connected the cemetary, and I suppose, death, with getting to "see" God. Oh, I was throughly convinced that this movie was about some type of glorious event!
I got all my cousins and neighbors to play out this movie with me. I think we might have used trash can lids as head markers. We marked out graves--though, how we knew to do such a thing, I have no idea! Don't truly remember it all, but I think as small children we all stood around praying at these "graves."
I can remember thinking, even way back then, that God was watching us and that He was somehow pleased.
Anyway, as a then (can't believe this) 5 year old, I somehow got it into my head that if it was God's "acre" then naturally that "acre" had to be a cemetary. I knew we couldn't "see" God here, so somehow I connected the cemetary, and I suppose, death, with getting to "see" God. Oh, I was throughly convinced that this movie was about some type of glorious event!
I got all my cousins and neighbors to play out this movie with me. I think we might have used trash can lids as head markers. We marked out graves--though, how we knew to do such a thing, I have no idea! Don't truly remember it all, but I think as small children we all stood around praying at these "graves."
I can remember thinking, even way back then, that God was watching us and that He was somehow pleased.
Knowing Eyes
I suppose one of my earliest "ummhs" was when I was around 11-12 years of age.
For whatever reason, my mother and grandmother had a "falling out". Bless her heart, Mom could hold a grudge--no doubt. I believe the estrangement was the result of simple jeaslousy of my grandmother's relationship with my step-grandfather. Dear man, what I remember of him. Grandma loved him dearly! I remember when she was close to death she was naturally concerned about facing God. She told us she was sorry for sinning (she was widowed, but granddad had a living wife), but she could never say she was sorry for loving my grandfather.
Anyway, this "falling out" had lasted quite a while, a year or years, I was too young to remember. As any daughter trying to please and warm up to her mother, I took up the grudge too, even though I loved my grandmother and had no real idea what this was all about. Just that mom was mad and not speaking to her.
I was attending Junior High at the time and walked a few blocks from the bus stop each day to the school. One day, I was walking back from school to the bus stop and I spotted my grandmother in the crowd. I really wasn't sure at first because it had been such a long time since I had seen her, but yes, it was her. Well, I spitefully walked passed her and acted as if I didn't see her.
I kept walking to the bus stop and in the crowd was this man. Suddenly, even though at this point it was push and shove, I was captivated by this man's eyes. He was very ordinary looking and I believe he had on some sort of hat. Kinda rugged looking--but those eyes. They seemed to pierce right through me! I knew that he knew what had just transpired between my grandmother and me. Somehow, I knew that my grandmother had recognized me and she also knew I was snubbing her.
As I stared into this man's eyes I felt conviction for what I had done. Maybe not so much sorry at the time, but a strong realization that what I was doing wasn't right and that I had wounded my grandmother. This man did not appear to be judging me as much as knowing me.
The look between us seemed to last forever, but suddenly I knew what I had to do. I turned around immediately and apologized (I lied, of course, and told her I wasn't sure it was her and, of course, she never let on). We hugged and said we loved one another which was the truth!
I tell you, the impact this man eyes had on me was profound! As I left my grandmother I noticed an elderly man attempting to cross the street corner. I was compelled to help him cross the street--whether he needed my help or not!
Whew! I can still see those eyes!
For whatever reason, my mother and grandmother had a "falling out". Bless her heart, Mom could hold a grudge--no doubt. I believe the estrangement was the result of simple jeaslousy of my grandmother's relationship with my step-grandfather. Dear man, what I remember of him. Grandma loved him dearly! I remember when she was close to death she was naturally concerned about facing God. She told us she was sorry for sinning (she was widowed, but granddad had a living wife), but she could never say she was sorry for loving my grandfather.
Anyway, this "falling out" had lasted quite a while, a year or years, I was too young to remember. As any daughter trying to please and warm up to her mother, I took up the grudge too, even though I loved my grandmother and had no real idea what this was all about. Just that mom was mad and not speaking to her.
I was attending Junior High at the time and walked a few blocks from the bus stop each day to the school. One day, I was walking back from school to the bus stop and I spotted my grandmother in the crowd. I really wasn't sure at first because it had been such a long time since I had seen her, but yes, it was her. Well, I spitefully walked passed her and acted as if I didn't see her.
I kept walking to the bus stop and in the crowd was this man. Suddenly, even though at this point it was push and shove, I was captivated by this man's eyes. He was very ordinary looking and I believe he had on some sort of hat. Kinda rugged looking--but those eyes. They seemed to pierce right through me! I knew that he knew what had just transpired between my grandmother and me. Somehow, I knew that my grandmother had recognized me and she also knew I was snubbing her.
As I stared into this man's eyes I felt conviction for what I had done. Maybe not so much sorry at the time, but a strong realization that what I was doing wasn't right and that I had wounded my grandmother. This man did not appear to be judging me as much as knowing me.
The look between us seemed to last forever, but suddenly I knew what I had to do. I turned around immediately and apologized (I lied, of course, and told her I wasn't sure it was her and, of course, she never let on). We hugged and said we loved one another which was the truth!
I tell you, the impact this man eyes had on me was profound! As I left my grandmother I noticed an elderly man attempting to cross the street corner. I was compelled to help him cross the street--whether he needed my help or not!
Whew! I can still see those eyes!
A Rainbow at Night?
1996 or 1997.
Father, forgive! Help me to turn from my idolatry to You, the only true God!
I was remembering back to the time when I was coming out of my deep depression over sin, and I asked you for a sign--a rainbow at night! Foolish of me, yet I hoped! I look for that rainbow and it never appeared! Then, one day I was reading Revelation 4, especially verse 3, and Revelation 21:9-27, especially verse 23-25!
Truly, you give us more than we can possible dream or imagine! What a magnificent God you are! No, you didn't give me a rainbow at night--You gave me a rainbow that eternally shines around your throne, and better--there will be no night! Glory!
Father, forgive! Help me to turn from my idolatry to You, the only true God!
I was remembering back to the time when I was coming out of my deep depression over sin, and I asked you for a sign--a rainbow at night! Foolish of me, yet I hoped! I look for that rainbow and it never appeared! Then, one day I was reading Revelation 4, especially verse 3, and Revelation 21:9-27, especially verse 23-25!
Truly, you give us more than we can possible dream or imagine! What a magnificent God you are! No, you didn't give me a rainbow at night--You gave me a rainbow that eternally shines around your throne, and better--there will be no night! Glory!
Confused and Looking for Something Important In the Wrong Place
This was not a dream, but rather, a true event.
Yesterday, 01/23/07, I was at the mall with my grandson. As we were leaving, I noticed a very stately mature woman. She was well dressed, definitely refined and probably of some means. She was walking around in a total daze—like she was lost. I was drawn to her. I went up to her and asked her if I could help. She said she was looking for an exit, and sadly, I didn’t know the mall well enough to be of much help. Suddenly, I noticed a security guard and told her he would definitely be able to help her. I turned and left. Still, I felt impressed to turn and make sure she was okay. It appeared as if she had walked right passed the guard and was still wandering around trying to find her way out of the mall. I again approached her and she said she was pretty sure she had found the exit, but she looked so confused and sad—I offered to walk with her and make sure that she made it to the door. Then, I just couldn’t stop there—I had to make sure she made it to her car. She confided in me that she had lost her husband just that past week and circumstances had somehow led her to the mall while she waited for her “pampered” poodle to be groomed. We hugged and prayed with each other and she seemed comforted and went on her way.
About 5 minutes later, I promise you, I ran into yet another lost older woman. This woman seemed to be of lesser means, a bit unkempt, but clean--presentable. This woman was wandering the in parking lot—going row to row. I knew she was lost and had no idea where her car was. I stopped and asked her what type of car she owned and she told me a white Cutlass with a marker of some sort on the back antenna—not a very good marker I must say! I drove my car, with my grandson in the rear seat and looked that area of the mall up and down—no white Cutlass with a marker on the back! In the meantime, mall security was also trying to help her. I started to leave, but noticed that the woman was still there and no security guard in sight. So, I drove my car back up to the woman and asked her if she was sure this was the right place she parked her car. She just brightened and suddenly remembered she had parked near Barnes and Noble—which, of course, was on the exact opposite side of the mall. Naturally, I offered to take her to her car. Amazingly, without any hesitation whatsoever, she got into my car and I drove her to the exact location of her car. I tried to comfort her by saying that this happened to me sometimes, too. I told her I had learned through experience to always try and park my car pretty close to the same location each and every time I came to the mall—just to make sure I would at least know the general proximity of where I parked it! She seemed very light hearted and went on her way.
Is God trying to tell me something??????
Yesterday, 01/23/07, I was at the mall with my grandson. As we were leaving, I noticed a very stately mature woman. She was well dressed, definitely refined and probably of some means. She was walking around in a total daze—like she was lost. I was drawn to her. I went up to her and asked her if I could help. She said she was looking for an exit, and sadly, I didn’t know the mall well enough to be of much help. Suddenly, I noticed a security guard and told her he would definitely be able to help her. I turned and left. Still, I felt impressed to turn and make sure she was okay. It appeared as if she had walked right passed the guard and was still wandering around trying to find her way out of the mall. I again approached her and she said she was pretty sure she had found the exit, but she looked so confused and sad—I offered to walk with her and make sure that she made it to the door. Then, I just couldn’t stop there—I had to make sure she made it to her car. She confided in me that she had lost her husband just that past week and circumstances had somehow led her to the mall while she waited for her “pampered” poodle to be groomed. We hugged and prayed with each other and she seemed comforted and went on her way.
About 5 minutes later, I promise you, I ran into yet another lost older woman. This woman seemed to be of lesser means, a bit unkempt, but clean--presentable. This woman was wandering the in parking lot—going row to row. I knew she was lost and had no idea where her car was. I stopped and asked her what type of car she owned and she told me a white Cutlass with a marker of some sort on the back antenna—not a very good marker I must say! I drove my car, with my grandson in the rear seat and looked that area of the mall up and down—no white Cutlass with a marker on the back! In the meantime, mall security was also trying to help her. I started to leave, but noticed that the woman was still there and no security guard in sight. So, I drove my car back up to the woman and asked her if she was sure this was the right place she parked her car. She just brightened and suddenly remembered she had parked near Barnes and Noble—which, of course, was on the exact opposite side of the mall. Naturally, I offered to take her to her car. Amazingly, without any hesitation whatsoever, she got into my car and I drove her to the exact location of her car. I tried to comfort her by saying that this happened to me sometimes, too. I told her I had learned through experience to always try and park my car pretty close to the same location each and every time I came to the mall—just to make sure I would at least know the general proximity of where I parked it! She seemed very light hearted and went on her way.
Is God trying to tell me something??????
Oh, dare!
04/30/2002
Lord, how I wish I had the faith of the woman who dared to touch the hem of your garment! To dare! Only a loved, trusting child, or someone who is truly desperate will dare. Too often I come to you thinking you will hear me because of my many words. I don’t even know for sure that writing in this journal isn’t all vanity. All I know is that I’m desperate for ( I was going to say Your power or Your healing touch, but Lord, I’m really desperate for You!) No one, nothing touches me like You do. Lord, I dare to touch You every time I lift my hands in praise to You, every time my soul feels like it is soaring because I am so overwhelmed by Your presence, every time You and I share a moment or you give me a new revelation of Yourself. You strengthen me, You heal my mind, soul and body. I’m in awe of You and love You more each day. Forgive me of my many sins! Have mercy, Lord. 04/30/2002
Lord, how I wish I had the faith of the woman who dared to touch the hem of your garment! To dare! Only a loved, trusting child, or someone who is truly desperate will dare. Too often I come to you thinking you will hear me because of my many words. I don’t even know for sure that writing in this journal isn’t all vanity. All I know is that I’m desperate for ( I was going to say Your power or Your healing touch, but Lord, I’m really desperate for You!) No one, nothing touches me like You do. Lord, I dare to touch You every time I lift my hands in praise to You, every time my soul feels like it is soaring because I am so overwhelmed by Your presence, every time You and I share a moment or you give me a new revelation of Yourself. You strengthen me, You heal my mind, soul and body. I’m in awe of You and love You more each day. Forgive me of my many sins! Have mercy, Lord. 04/30/2002
I Lied Today
I lied today, Lord. I opened my mouth and out the lie came. I could feel it falling off my lips. Yet, I felt incapable of stopping the lie. I think the one thing you are really asking of me right now is honesty--to walk in the truth. That means ceasing from all forms of lying—my overeating, my overspending, my talents and abilities. Yea, my inabilities! No more half truths (as if there were such a thing). I need your help, O, Lord! I have passed this sin off as being "cute"—just another aspect of the complex nature of being a woman. Forgive me. Help me to follow your Son, Who is Truth and to do your will. I don’t want to lie anymore. I want to face You as honestly as I possibly can, being human. Again, forgive me, Lord! 05/30/06
I Sought God
I sought God and found Him, oftimes in the silences, always in the joys, but I saw His face the clearest in times of deepest pain. How He would come to me; Comforter, Father, Friend. Always present, ever near. 11/09/05
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)